Light pierced a chink in the drawn curtains and traversed the hotel room to the bed. A slash of silver struck Sean’s face and he groggily open his eyes. They were filmed with night dust and he rubbed them clear, then blinked upon seeing Tammi by the door in her second-hand school uniform and white shirt. She was a tantalizing vision of corrupted innocence and he said, "I stopped believing in God, but I always believed in angels."
"You must believe in miracles too.” Tammi pressed her thumb and index finger together. “Because last night you were this close to dead."
“It feels even closer this morning.” The left side of his head ached from the beating and twin spikes pulsated in his temples. There were too many blanks in last night to form a vague recollection of the evening's end and he asked, "How did I get here?"
"I don’t know. I found you in the hallway." Tammi's allure dissipated with the stark strobe of disapproval aimed at him.
Sean spotted a plastic bag by her feet. "Where are you going?"
"I'm leaving." Tammi picked up the bag.
“Back home?” His swift rise from bed revealed the extent of his injuries and he slumped against the wall.
“Not a chance of that.” Tammi wasn’t leaving New York. “I’m leaving this place and leaving you.” “I can explain last night.”
"Why bother? I told you from the beginning that if you did drugs, I was gone." She was strict on rules as anyone could be who hadn’t had any rules.
"Doing drugs was an accident____" Sean fought his way back to the bed, on which he sat in a near puddle of flesh and bones, suggesting that Man had evolved from the non-vertebrates, instead of the apes.
“I can’t live with excuses.” Tammi opened the door, bag clenched in hand.
“Tammi, listen.” He had to tell her something, but nothing came to his lips.
“No.” Words were a trap to make her care about someone who didn't care about their self.
“Why no?” He didn't deserve an answer.
“One summer my father took me to the amusement park at Salisbury Beach. I went on the rides. The shills gave me candy. I was so happy, then I found him with a needle in his arm. He had been dealing drugs on the beach and doing his profits. His partners gave him a hot shot. His dying hurt and so would finding you dead in bed.”
“I'm not like that.” He had never done heroin before, but couldn't tell her that he wouldn't again.
"You don't know that and I don't know that either." Last night had killed him in her heart. “Sean, I can't be with you under these conditions."
"I'm sorry I screwed up.” His life was a mess and she had to understand why. “Tammi, I have a temper. I fight.”
“I’ve seen that temper.” She had been frightened the night that he almost dropped the record producer down the elevator shaft,
”I know.” Sean stared at Tammi, hoping that she might recognize the honesty in his eyes.
“In 7th grade I was beaten by two older boys. I guess they plain hated me. They never said why. Whenever I tried to avoid them, they found me. Worst was the other students watched me these beatings. Not one helped me. A bum, Red Halley taught how to fight. Only if you’re scared, you can’t win a fight with bullies.” Sean clenched his fists, wanting to hurt the two boys’ faces as they had hurt him. “One day the biggest one, Mark Tully, threw a punch and I ducked. He broke his hand. The beatings stopped and I won a scholarship to a private school. I never saw them again.”
“But the violence never disappeared?” Tammi had experienced the same persecution in Kittery. She hated those girls for calling her names and despised the boys for believing those lies, but also herself for caring what they thought.
“No, it stuck around. I don’t want you to leave.”
"I don't want to leave either, but it's too late to not leave.” She wished that it was yesterday and she could stop last night.
Where are you going?” He was losing her.
"I don’t know, but I can’t stay here.” She turned her head and reached for the door knob.
"And the band?" He was grasping for burning straws.
"I'm staying in the band, so we will see each other." She couldn't look at him without changing her mind and told herself to be strong without knowing why. Her voice wavered with a brand-new sadness, which felt too much like all the old ones.
"Oh." Jefferson Airplane’s Grace Slick had shamelessly bounced through the band members in the Summer of Love and sung about a love triangle in TRIAD from CROWN OF CREATION. In GTH Tammi’s choices were down to Charles, although Tammi hadn’t demonstrated any visible reciprocation of the organist’s interest, then again her leaving might be a subterfuge, because dating a millionaire almost every American girls’ fantasy.
“Will that be a problem?” She wanted to hear yes.
“I won’t make it one.” Sean had dropped acid, worn bell-bottoms and long hair, and slept under the redwoods in Big Sur. He was no hippie and worried that his temper was a danger to the three of them.
“Good.” And good felt like bad.
"Johnny tell you that I'm singing back-up." He vowed to control any future outburst for her sake alone.
"I can use the extra help." Tammi turned around to Sean.
His left eye was nearly shut, his face was swollen, and his body was marked with black-and-blues. He had saved her on the highway. Sean needed her help, but she fled the room with tears in her eyes.
Her steps faded from the corridor and Sean sagged into the bed. His success with women in this room was terrible. He got up and shut the door, then tried to sleep, but couldn’t find a comfortable position and the nagging discomfort was not a result of his beating, but the heroin gnawing at his bone marrow.
He hadn’t thought it possible, but honor students at his high school had graduated overnight from pot smokers to junkie fiends. No one was smarter or stronger than this drug and Sean repressed a shiver. He couldn’t even remember if last night’s experience was good or not. All that remained was the drug’s siren call and Sean respected its power, for he could never promise that Tammi he wouldn’t do it again. Still he had too much on the line to become another statistic and Sean intended on showing Tammi that he was not her father.
No addiction was ruining her Christmas. Least of all not his.
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